on madly and wrongly in love

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What on earth have I done?

I just ask a woman to runaway, to leave her man, her son and her family.

I must be mad. Mad to the bone.

Is this what love can do?

Is this what you do when you madly in love? Simply defying logic and follow your so called “heart“.

Being impulsive, aren’t I?

And for a moment, there were silent, I was waiting for her to type something. A response, a reply, anything…

“What would you do if you were me?”

“It depends…”

“Depends on what?”

“How madly in love I am at the moment…”

“I guess we both are madly in love at the moment…”

“So?”

“I would runaway with you, but I couldn’t…”

“Why?”

“Ok, lets say I left him and my family, would the other person accept me for what I am?”

“What do you mean? And who is the other person?”

“There’s no one else that I love from a distance but you…”

“You think I would not accept you for what you are?”

“Would you?”

“Why not?”

“Honey, please don’t push me… We might be two individuals madly in love, but you deserve to be with someone else, someone better than me.”

“What if there is no one better than you?”

“There is, believe me. Someone who loves you better, loves you whole heartedly, one that doesn’t have to  share her love with other man, only for you. You are free, the world is yours, they are all there for you to choose.”

“So, what should we do now?”

“We have no other choice sweetie, at the moment, this is the best we can get…”

“This pain is killing me…”

“Do you think this is not painful for me as much as for you?”

“Dear…”

“Yes…”

“I don’t want the world, I want you…”

on the unfaithfully yours

After four months, no words, news, nothing, now suddenly she drops me an email, with her picture attached. What is this? A way of telling me that she’s back? Back in to my life?

For four months I’ve been trying to forget her, to forget the feeling I had, and I almost succeeded. But now she’s back, her picture bring back all the memories. Her half-chinese face, her smile, and most of everything about her. How I once want her to be mine, and it hurts to realize that it will never happened.

She’s back online now, regularly, but she’s unable to see me online. I’ve set my Y!M on invisible mode most of the time. I’m trying hard to keep myself from not clicking her nickname, the more I resist it, more and more agonizing it turns out to be.

“missing you”

That what was written on her status, of course she did not see mine, I am in invisible mode. I know that the status was addressed to me, I just know.

“Miss you too…”

So I start the conversation, I can’t help it.

“You took me by surprise!”

“Why?”

“excuse me?”

“Why did you send it? The email, the photograph?”

“Actually I want to tell you about my holiday…”

“Did you realize how it would affect me? Did you even think about it?”

“How? How does it affect you?”

“It reminds me how I want you, make me feel like grabbing my stuffs and book the next available flight bound to your city to meet you… I’ve almost forgotten all about you, and while you were away, it’s easier for me to forget you.”

“Did you think I’m not feeling the same way? Honey, I feel the same way too, and I miss you so much. It is painful you know to bear this faulty love, this wrong kind of feeling.”

“It is not love that at fault.”

“Yes, it’s my fault.”

“No, we’re in this together.”

“May I have your picture?”

“What for? Wouldn’t it make you miss me even more?”

“So, it is not allowed for me to miss you anymore?”

“No, not that… I don’t mind if you miss me, but someone might…”

“Please…”

“There, picture sent… Don’t put the blame on it, if it makes you love me even more…”

“Got it, where did you take this photo?”

“Japan…”

“You look different from the last time we met. Chubbier… But where’s the smile?”

“Smile?” It will definitely make you love me even more.”

“You know I love your smile, and the teeth in particular… And it does make me miss you even more…”

Then a smiley pops up.

“Come and visit me…” I said.

“Do you think I don’t want to meet you again? God knows how badly I wanted to see you, meet you again. But it is just not possible, with the way things are.”

“I’ll come and visit you then…”

“And where are we supposed to meet? My office?”

“I don’t know, you know the places better…”

“Look, I am being watched every step of the way, it’s kinda hard for me to get out of sight. Even if you come and visit me, my office lobby is the furthest we can go to. Do you still want to see me there? No, right? It would be such a waste of plane tickets.”

“Can we go somewhere private?”

“Hmm, you don’t want to do something funny, do you?”

“Do you?”

“Waaaa… No… holding your hands, that’s it…”

“Ah, still waste of tickets…”

“Honey, would you mind calling me?”

“To which number? I don’t have your number…”

“My office number…”

Then she gave me her office number…

“I won’t call you to your office, why don’t you give me your mobile number instead?”

“You know I can’t give you my mobile number, it would be too risky.”

“I won’t call you to your office…”

“Honey, please… I miss your voice…”

“Are you still at the office?”

“Yes…”

“I call you now…”

I dialled the number she gave me, moments later, I can hear her voice, thousands of miles apart.

For less than two minutes, we talked, just to say Hello, but yet it made us missing each other even more.

“I’ll call you again tomorrow…”

“My heart beats faster just by hearing your voice…”

“Runaway with me…”

“WHAT?”

“Runaway with me…”

on the unfulfilled one

As always, I turn on my laptop computer as soon as I get home. Clicking on Y!M and wait till it’s connected and wait for her to be online.

Usually, she’s the one greeted me when I get home on weekdays,

“good evening, honey..”

And I would replied

“good evening, love…”

But not tonight, she was not there, where she usually pops up a grin smiley on my YM client. Not tonight, otherwise I’d be altogether drawn in an intimate, flirty conversation. Tonight, yeah starting from tonight, she would be temporarily offline.

“Honey…”

“Yes dear…”

“Starting from tomorrow, I won’t be online anymore, at least for a month or so…”

“Why?”

“My contract has been terminated by the company, now I’m looking for another job. And since mostly I’d be staying at home, then, I have limited access to the internet, and I can’t go too often to an internet cafe or taking my laptop with me to a cafe to go online and chat with you.”

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that, I hope you get a new job soon… but…”

“But what?”

“But, what if I miss you, how am I suppose to contact you, can you give me your phone number?”

“Honey, I already told you, I can’t give you my phone number, too risky, for me, for us… I’ll be missing you too, I know I will… I’ll miss the conversation we are having just before I drive myself home that keep me smiling all the way. I’ll miss your jokes, flirt, and just about everything that we had till this moment. But please, don’t ask for my phone number, and don’t even try to seek for it.”

“Ok, I understand…”

Argh, to much of understanding I have given to this relationship. One that we both know it only will lead us nowhere. But somehow it felt like addiction, we both addicted to each other, in a way. An hour or two before she goes home every weekdays, will do. And we don’t know how to stop this, and only time will tell when this would stop.

And that night was when the time tell us when it ends, at least I thought it would.

It’s been a while since the last time we’ve chat and flirt over the Y!M. I’ve almost forgotten how she looks like, how she sounds, how she would pops her grin smiley on my Y!M, and most of anything about her.

Until yesterday, she drops me an email with her latest holiday picture attached. She and her son…

on things unsaid..

The Yahoo Messenger icon bouncing up and down, indicating someone on my contact just turn his/her YM client online. Smile on my face as I saw the nickname. It won’t be long before a message window pops-up and a grin smiley shows up in the first line.
Soon we were engaged in a conversation, as the night grows late, our conversation became more and more intimate, touching the sensitive part and start talking about the L word. The word which out of my vocabulary for quite sometime, simply because, keeping things simple.

“Let’s just see…”
“How about me? May I do it?”
“Sweetie, Probably you are the one capable of doing it right now. But no, I won’t let you do it. It would only make things more complicated.”
“I know…”
“If only…”
“If only what?”
“If only, all there is left…”

“You know what I like the most from you?”
“Hmm, no… what?”
“First, your voice, I really like your voice, crisp and distinct.”
“And what else?”

A grin smiley pops out once again

“What’s the second?”
“Your teeth…”
“Hahaha, you must be kidding, my teeth? I don’t have perfect set of teeth.”
“No, seriously, I like your teeth…”
“This is weird, you like two things that my ex’s complained the most. My voice, they didn’t like it as much, especially when I hum to a song. The second, my yellowish and misaligned sets of teeth… “

“It’s been a while since the last time we met.”
“Yeah…”
“I still remember the day we met. You in your casual attire, with pair of jeans, that only God knows when the last time you wash them.  With red polo shirt, never thought you were meeting my boss.”
“I am a consultant, freelance one, what do you expect? They never hire me for what I wear.”
“Yeah, and in that very moment, when I saw you for the first time, I like your teeth. They make me feel like kissing you.”
“Hahaha, according to my ex’s, I am a great kisser…”
“Are you? I refuse to believe it.”
“Do you want a test to prove it?”
“No, I don’t.”
“Why not? Afraid of being addicted?”

And a shy smiley pops…

“Dear…”
“Yes…”
“If only…”
“If only what?”
“If only we met long time before… and dozens of other if only…”
“Yes, if only, you are there, always there, in the domain of if only…”

“Sweetie…”
“Yes…”
“I believe it’s easier this way, less complicated.”
“I know, and I am happy, happy that I’ve found you, happy that I’ve met you. Even though only in the domain of if only things would be less complicated between us.”
“Yes…”
“It’s getting late, I have to go home… He must be waiting at home, worry about me.”
“I understand, take care… have a safe drive…”
“You too, have a nice sleep…”
And a kiss smiley appear…
And I signed out from my YM client. Turn off my laptop; close my eyes and wandering in the realm of if only…

being a…

On being a child,

Growing up in a humble family, it wasn’t a very much of pampering or spoiling from my parents. Hey my father was a regular working class man. Hard work is all he know throughout his life. For his family, for me, for my sisters. Putting his head over heels just to make sure that we have something to eat, his children get a good education. That’s all…

Well, you did it pops! I hope the three of us did well too and you’ll be proud of us.

On the contrary, pampering came from my grand parents (love you all grams), my grandma brought me home, a nice wooden made trucks, painted and all, while kids my age made it by themselves. Yeah, less of a creativity for me . My granddad, bought me even more expensive, battery operated toys, robots, cars, that made other kids envy. Ahh… those are the angels in my childhood life. May you both rest in heaven grams.

On being a boy

I was a very decent young boy, staying out of troubles, good grades, first class honor. Well enough said, my parents always walked home proud every end of semester. Stepping on my junior high, family life getting better, courtesy of my pops hard work, coming home late, just have enough time to see him on my way to school and barely saw him during the night.

I guess this was the start of my adolescene, knowing a cute girl, start liking them. Hahahh, having a monkey love relationship with my classmate. Paying attention to girls “particulars”, hey part of the process ain’t it? Ah, teens, sweet life.

A teenager

Then high school era. The era of getting know the world. I made it to enroll in one of Jakarta’s best high school – and so did my sisters. This is when life getting a bit hard. I use to commute between my home in Depok to my high school in Bukit Duri. Train was the fastest way of transport, and much more “convinient” in the year 1995 to 1996 compared to 2008 . Every once in a while, witnessing people falls from the speedy train, high school gangs fight, part of my day.

Then my parents bought me a car, used car on my 2nd year of senior high, travel time was like 45 minutes at that time. Not as bad as these days. It was fun time actually. One of my most memorable moments in my teenage life was the worse I accident I had in my senior year. It was on early 1998, me and my bestest friend was returning home from a friend birthday party. The traffic light was red on Pancoran Junction heading towards MT Haryono. In front of me was a minivan, and behind me was a suzuki sedan. I was smoking, when suddenly I heard tyre screaming, braking hard. Before it hits my car seconds later.

An Honda accord hits the back of the suzuki, before the impact hits my car and absorbed by the minivan in front of me. My friend sitting beside me was pushed out through the window, I was unconcious momentarily. My car was wrecked and it was the worse accident ever.

Uni Student,

Graduated 1998 from High School, enrolled to the best engineering college in the country, taking chemical engineering major (not chemistry!). This is one of my best ride in life. I don’t remember I attend classes regulary, skip most of them, getting good grades at subject that I like, screwed for the rest of them. Taking introductory lesson to alcoholism. And advance course in the final year.

But yeah, after 5 long years I graduated anyway! Hoorraaay!

Work Work Worker!

After graduation, it was not easy to find me a job. Until one of my high school friends contacted me, I was accepted to another “college”, I always consider my first employer is my college to Process Engineering and Design for the oil and gas Industry. This time having a serious relationship after so many years fooling around. Work there for a year, and jump to an MNC still in the same field. One of my advancement in carreer, getting more serious with my girlfriend, but sadly, has to end somehow.

being a man (i hope)

Work for three years, after feeling stuck in the place, moving on to Singapore. Get a new life and new lover, more serious than ever, get engaged. A big step for me, for my life. I was preparing for the big day. The date was set, formal family meetings was held. Mine and hers. I was so happy, excited, families too. I was supposed to be married with my bestest friend cousin.  Then the life turning moment comes, the wedding was canceled, two weeks prior the date.

Part of life, a journey.  It was there to see how strong I am, if I am not strong enough, it was supposed to make me stronger. Yeah… I am trying to be a man…